I had mango sticky rice for the first time two weeks ago because I decided to split it at dinner with an old friend. I decided this the same I’ll decide everything else, like I’ll have to.

My decisions are in the distance so they look kind of small but they’re getting closer so they’re looking bigger and bigger. and we’re all approaching each other. I’ll leave here I’ll stay here I’ll spend my money on that I’ll call myself this I’ll pursue one person I’ll avoid another I’ll apply there I’ll say yes to this I’ll say no to that. I’ll eat this.

My mom made one decision and it wasn’t even a big one. Her decision was just like Ok sure I guess why not. It was that small decision, and then a couple more decisions branching off of that one, and the next thing we know a doctor has unintentionally found something terrifying inside of her. and also her life has been saved, all at the same time. I don’t let my self think about what might have happened if she hadn’t made that first decision, I could not.

She had a surgery scheduled that would conclude her sequence of decisions as a hopeful and miraculous story of something that happened once and not again. and Lots of people told me it would all be okay.

But I could not really think much, I could only be so scared. I slept walked thru the grocery store and I stared blankly on the couch. I forgot and then I remembered what was happening and forgot again. and then I was crying at kreation ordering her a 25 dollar smoothie. I could not think of what she’d want in it.

My world split in half when all of this stuff happened. It actually did because one of my mom’s friends closed her eyes and saw my brain split in two, one half was all disaster and one half was all denial. She spent an hour with her eyes closed sewing me back together.

Even when I couldn’t think straight for a while, during all of that, some things still made sense and comprised the ground I stood on during this time:

It made sense for my mom to make decisions because she’s my mom. My mom’s always doing stuff like that.

and Then a month later it was somehow all over and it was the summer and I was sitting down staring at a not yet signed lease on my computer screen and it became very clear to me that because I am not my mom, I have never believed I am going to make decisions

This sounds sort of dumb of me because obviously this whole time that I’ve been alive I’ve been a person making decisions and I’ve never not been.

and of course I always suspected this was the case. I just never actually Believed. sort of like how people talk about aliens. If aliens were to come down to earth people like me would be like oh ya I did have a feeling all along. But still, we would not be ready.

I do have to believe now. I have to believe I’m deciding. because I already am and I already do. and even hiding and not making a decision is a decision. And even saying okay sure I guess is a decision. I can tell u this Because last week I was at a hair salon and I could have sworn to u I made no concrete decisions – I said do whatever just cut it because it’s so dead at the ends. And now it’s the wrong shape and also too short. And I have a bad haircut that I decided on by not deciding at all.

Last month I had the same dream twice. my jaw is locked shut and I can’t speak. A friend who I’m not friends with anymore stands in front of me and is crying and saying something’s all my fault, I can’t make out what exactly. I use my hands to pry open my jaw. I yell through the pain: You made me betray myself!!!!!. I am crying. then my jaw locks again, this time open. I wake up sweaty.

I heard somewhere, and I think it’s Jung who says this, that every person who appears in ur dreams is an aspect of you. In my dream, I am crying and I am making my self cry. I was betrayed and I made the decision that betrayed me.

I’m realizing it’ll take me a long time to learn how to be me.

I want some one to tell me how to do it. where to live and what to do and how much money is okay for me to spend.

No I don’t rlly want that actually. I’ve just imagined it for a second and that is a terrible idea.

I just want to know my answers. I want to know which small decision to make that will save my life. I want who my self is and what my self wants and what my self is capable of to be so apparent that I don’t even need to think I’ve Decided because I just go. I just go.

but even though there’s lots of wisdom out there, there’s never all the answers. A man who gave me a lot of wisdom and a couple of answers told me that.

overall I think that’s good news. but clearly this also scares me. sometimes this really gets me down

:/

I’m always as ready as I’ll ever be. He said that to me too.